work and play

I am starting to feel a little overwhelmed with everything right now and I'm wondering if that may be the cause of two different cold/flu things hitting my body within two weeks. Inconvenient, as it takes away valuable energy and time that is needed to complete tasks.

I'm playing with the UMD concert band; first rehearsals are next week. I'm surprised that I truly forgot how much prep time has to go into learning orchestra (band) parts. The listening, for one thing. The music marking, for another. Then of course, the actual playing. The whole not-having-a-pedal-harp-at-home thing throws a wrench into things, too. So I'm feeling a little nervous about this playing engagement. Like, know what happens when you don't do something for 5 years? You kind of forget how.

Hopefully, since it hasn't been quite that long with academic writing, I won't have quite as difficult a time with the PhD apps, which are slated to come into being this weekend. It's Nuc's and my 8th anniversary, and, true to form, we are celebrating it by sending Lukas to my parents, canceling our reservations out of town and staying home and working. For me it's applications, for Nuc it's catching up on assignments, and for all of Harp 46 it's packing up the cds to send out to radio stations, making presskits, etc.

I do suspect, however, that the absence of one very active two-year-old will have the effect of making it feel like a vacation. Sleeping in, eating in restaurants that have a waitstaff: these things may happen too.

collaborative nature of things

I've been listening to our newly-mastered cd for the past few days. For anyone reading who doesn't understand mastering, first, join the club - second, it has something to do with making the cd more even-sounding, making it sound the same on every stereo, making everything sound clearer... something like a final coat of polish. It's very subtle. But it's definitely a necessary step in any professional project.

We happen to work with an awesome mastering guy, who works with our awesome sound engineer, who works with harp 46 (who is comprised of one harpist and 2 awesome members of a rhythm section), who was accompanied by two awesome other musicians (one vocalist and one violinist.)

I've been contemplating as of late the relationships that all went into this project, and how incredible it feels to be part of a team that I can trust. These people have been awesome for a very long time, and we've always worked well together, but ten years of doing projects together has oiled the hinges, taken out the kinks, made the path smooth beneath our feet.

The great thing about a truly collaborative project is knowing that any idea you come up with will either be affirmed by the other members or - and this is the best - improved greatly by going through their creative process filters. The best thing is getting stuck with an idea and saying, hey, Kevin, can you make this sound better? or, Posido, can you write the rest of this tune? Or, Nuc, make my harp sound better. You really can't say these things to people whose abilities and style you don't fully trust. It is so incredible, to me, that I have this kind of team around me almost all of the time.

back to my roots

I spent this morning with the harp students at University of Maryland. I had SUCH a good time. There are currently three lovely ladies majoring in harp performance at UMD, and they are all so pleasant to be around. My former teacher, Becky Smith, asked me to come in to give a little talk about composing/improvising on the harp.

I felt like I was back in my element. Not because I was teaching harp, (which, admittedly, was fun) but more because I was in front of people, talking about something that I love to do and have thought about extensively. I think I'm just an exhibitionist by nature - not physically, obviously - but in the sense that I really thrive on being in front of people and sharing, whether it's music, public speaking, teaching or - hey, someday - belly dancing!

It was a great morning. I've been struggling a lot the past week with being a stay-at-home Mom and today served as a reminder to me that I get the most frustrated with it when I don't have other things in my life that I'm doing that I'm passionate about, or rather, when I'm not living in my "zone" at least part of the time.

Still working on a way to get back in the zone a little more often, though....

University Chica

I had a really nice visit to Georgetown University today, to meet with one of their professors who specializes in East Asian Buddhism and aesthetics. I'm applying to their PhD program in Religious Pluralism for Fall 2010, and so am in process of meeting the profs who would most likely be overseeing me were I to be accepted.

I've decided that I'd like to do emphases in Christianity and either Hinduism or Buddhism. It's very hard to decide, and decipher, which I would prefer to study; it seems to me that you can't really study one without the other, especially if one is studying Buddhism. It's akin to how one needs to know some basics about Judaism to really study Christianity.

In the past several months, as I've been getting into "academic reading" and the process of articulating thoughts about what I've read, I've been feeling more and more alive. This wouldn't have been the case a year ago; something in my psyche just wasn't ready for it.

I still am not, and don't want to be, a practitioner of any religion anymore - but I really find the practice of studying religions and their respective cultural "homes" to be intensely spiritual. It's refreshing and inspiring, and awakens this love in me for humanity and our histories and all of the complicated thoughts and philosophies we have for who we are, why we're here, and Who (if anyone) put us here. I'm not sure how to describe it, but the studying is in itself a creative process. It's like the world becomes more colorful.

mourning celebrity

My version of mourning the death of Patrick Swayze is looking up Dirty Dancing clips on Youtube and remembering how truly awesome that movie was when I was in 5th grade. I should note that I was not allowed to see it in 3rd grade (when it came out, I think) - it took me a couple years of sleepovers to be allowed to see it, and a year or two after that to understand the whole abortion plotline, etc. For a movie that was meant to only have one weekend in the theater and then go straight to video (thank you wikipedia), it sure dealt with some interesting issues, peripherally, no? Abortion, class, race, and, of course, dancing from your heart. guh-GUH, guh-GUH. oh, dirty dancing, i think can still recite your entire script.

I was exactly the right age for Ghost, too. Then I became artistic and cynical and stopped watching chick flicks... unless "Reality Bites" and "Singles" count as chick flicks (I'm pretty sure "Dazed and Confused doesn't :) ) Not sure they count as artistic and cyncical either, though.

Causes

A "facebook friend" (distant but real) recently posted an invitation to a new "cause." I'll be honest - I don't join facebook causes; the whole thing just feels fake and, I don't know - too easy? Like I could join 100 "causes" but never do a thing for any of them, you know? So I don't even bother.

So I was prepared to click "ignore" but then saw that it was an organization working on sex-trafficking of children, something that has been close to my heart for many years, but has yet to find a real, tangible manifestation in my life or budget. I clicked through to the actual website and really liked it. They are definitely more of an awareness-generating, networking and funding sort of group... but I took the "justice personality profile" and, after being branded a "Restoration" personality, found a great bunch of links to organizations doing work with victims.

Now I'm thinking about hosting a concert or a gathering to raise awareness in little ol' Greenbelt... wonder if I could find some partners in this.

This issue has been on my heart for many years now, but I just haven't found a way to integrate it into my life. I'll keep thinking about it. I wonder if I should focus on learning Tagalog instead of Spanish and then Nuc and I could go volunteer in the Philippines for a few weeks (once Lukas is older, of course...)

Here's the site:
www.iempathize.org

A new blog/some old writings

I've just deleted my entire, 5-years-worth blog.

I will admit this was about half-accident. Oops!

So, as a fresh start into a new blog, I thought I'd post 2 old poems of mine.

More posting to come soon!

-----------------
I step outside
My keys jingle and the night air
Opens all around me

If there is any sense of the holy left in me
This is my church now

Silence and oxygen
(life is too loud
and we are all cursed with
trying to keep our heads above water)

If there is any sense of the holy left in me
It is not locked up behind laws

The night air is early. It brings to me
Comfort, wraps around me
Like a blanket, snuggled deep into the dusk
As wind visits from afar.

If there is any sense of the holy left in me
It is nowhere near buildings
And only occasionally near people

If I were god
I would much prefer the animals
To those who continue to self-proclaim
"made in His image"

but if there is any sense of the holy left in me
after having my face in the sand
waves suffocating, bruising
seaweed strangling me

if there is any sense of the holy in me
after enduring

it is fierce
and quite skeptical

if there is a sense of the holy left in me
she is a woman with very short hair
leather pants and an evergreen tattoo on one arm
she stares down the night
jingles her keys and says

something vaguely threatening
to a holiness which is still searching
for a home
------------------------

Asking me if I would like to play, a special project,
I say no.
I am finished with all that.

They tell me I am letting darkness win
That to not sing, is to give in.

I am finished with all that. This winning and losing.
There is no winner. And singing
Has nothing to do with it.

They murmur and shake their heads,
Half angry, half disappointed
Still hoping for a recovery
Sure that I will return to music.

But singing has no place. As if there was
A voice I could conjure up,
As if the voice was resting, recovering in the shadows, still scared
to come out,
As if sheer will and strength could entice a melody.

Truth be told I don't miss it. I suppose that's blasphemy,
But it was never much use to me.
If there is a recovery it is my
Recovery from pretending a belief in melody.

Truth be told there never was any sparkle in me.
It was always a play of light, an illusion brought about
By will and strength.

Truth be told I always wanted it to be true about me.
But it never was. Now I show the world my plainness:
And I am recovering here. No more the stress of sparkle:

I am finished with all that. Let someone else sit behind the strings—
Someone for whom the sound holds meaning, mystery
Someone who is not just playing the part.